So I'm watching the latest amazing production from the Discovery Channel called Life. For those of you who haven't heard of it, think of it as Planet Earth up close and personal. For three years these videographers and documentarians risked life and limb for once-in-a-lifetime footage of some of the most elusive wildlife traits and behaviors.
As I listen to Oprah Winfrey articulately narrate this 10-part miniseries, it occurs to me - what if turnabout was fair play and we all had a show about us? Our behaviors? Our traits? Our mating rituals???? (And no, "Seinfeld" did not completely cover this...) I started thinking small - with a documentary all to myself. "Life: The Amy".
My first question was, of course - who would narrate my Life? I'm sure I wouldn't be worthy of someone like Garrison Keillor, as much as I admire him. Sigourney Weaver was fine in Planet Earth (and excellent in Alien), but she may be a little too stern for my tale. Morgan Freeman was awesome in March of the Penguins, but I'm not sure how he'd fare in "Hoofin' it with the Kennards". I settle on John Cleese, who in my opinion will capture both the irony and humor that seems to signify my life.
So, in my best John Cleese accent, here's how I think "Life: The Amy" would go down:
Evolution: Born the third of four children to a good, Catholic mother and father, the Amy enters the Midwest, middle-class world. Bald until the age of three, she spends her formative years living a very normal existence that includes daily church, regular chores, family fun and an inordinate amount of sibling rivalry that causes her mother to take long baths at two in the afternoon. She struggles through adolescence and the restless upheaval that was her 20's before finally settling into a marriage at 30. During that time, she experiences job highs and lows, childbirth, and 10 months in Leavenworth.
Raising Young: Research into the parenting habits of the Amy found that they are quite similar to that of the black bear. According to the all-knowing Wikipedia, "While the cubs are with their mother, she teaches them what to eat, where to look for shelter and what dangers to watch out for. If the mother senses danger she will grunt and the cubs will run up the nearest tree until she signals them to come down again. The mother is extremely protective and often very aggressive." Need I say more?
Mating: Evidently Amys do not mate for life, and have an average relationship span of nine years. The Amy bears two children, and though she is not of the highest intelligence, she is smart enough to know when to say when. No additional information is available regarding the mating habits of the Amy, but she is known to partake in a ritual known as "EOF".
Predators: Though the Amy is fiercely independent and self-sufficient, she can become the victim of relentless predators such as pessimism, rejection, fatigue and disappointment. The Amy has very high expectations for her life, and is at times her own worst enemy.
Lifespan: The Amy seems to hit her stride around age 40, when maturity, wisdom and the ability to laugh at herself really start to kick in. Based on a recent internet chain email, she is scheduled to live to be 92 years old.
I think we may have a hit here. I mean, not me, but just with the idea in general. How cool would it be to get some elusive, spectacular footage of us that would show others what exactly makes us tick? I know, it might be kind of scary... but would you rather watch the Stalk-Eyed Fly inflate his own eyeballs?
Perhaps you would.