Thursday, November 11, 2010

If you could yell at anyone for 10 minutes, who would it be?

Back in July, I wrote what turned out to be one of my most popular posts to date. It posed the question, "If you could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"

I had a lot of responses, mostly naming positive icons such as Abraham Lincoln, Isaac Newton, Frank Lloyd Wright, Ben Franklin, Ellen DeGeneres... you get the picture.

So it got me thinking: If you could have 10 minutes with anyone and could spend that time giving them a piece of your mind - reading 'em the riot act - opening up a can of whoopass on them... you see where I'm going here... who would it be and why?

When thinking about this myself, my first thoughts turned to some less worldly-famous individuals. The track coach that told me (in front of everyone else) that I kick my butt when I run when I tried out for the team in 6th grade. I'd like to have a little chat on TACT with him. The popular girl in high school who noticed a small cold sore on my lip and announced, "Amy has herpes!" I bet I could take her now. Or how about the guy who invited me on a date then mentioned that his friend "Joey" was going to meet us... only to find out that "Joey" was a blond with really, really big boobs? Yeah, I'd like to take just a second or two of his time.

But I digress.

Now if I take a moment to step out of my self-serving box, I can think of a few people that I'd like to get in a room, in a chair, under one of those hot, swinging lights and say, "WHAT THE !%*$ WERE YOU THINKING?????" Such as:

Steven Hayes, the man who was just sentenced to death for the heinous torture and killing of a mom and her two daughters, while the father laid tied up and bleeding in the basement. And anyone else like him. This may go beyond just talking, as I would probably want to beat the living crap out of them. But I wonder if they know why they did it, and if they feel any of the pain that the general public, who may know absolutely nothing about the victims, feel. I'd like to find out what makes these murderous souls think that they are above every other human being that they can take someone's own life into their own hands. Ten minutes is probably nine more than I could take with these bottom feeders.

Any politician, celebrity or sports figure that gets "caught" cheating, then laments about how sorry he (or she) is. Now I could say specific names like Tiger Woods or Brett Favre, but they're really just the better known poster boys for brainless, stupified, egotistical behavior. Seriously, I'm sure these men (and women) love, and love deeply. That's great. So if they decide to stray, what planet are they living on that makes them think that they won't get caught? Sure, I know we "god-complex" these celebrities, wait with bated breath for them to fall, then laugh at them like the bully of the block. So one could say we kind of set them up. But still... seriously, Tiger? What was your first clue that you might possibly be screwing your reputation for the rest of your life? Not until the golf club went through the windshield or perhaps a little before that?

District 150. Yeah, I know, this is kind of out of left field. And there's not really one individual in particular that I'd have sit in the hot seat. I think I would just like to collectively get the Board together, maybe on some hot bleachers or something, then when I have their undivided attention, simply ask, "WTF, DISTRICT 150???? Have you not YET figured out that this is one of the worst school districts in the state? And you have no idea why or what to do about it? Perhaps you need to get in your cars and DRIVE to some of the good school districts and meet with their Boards and maybe take a pad of paper and a pen and TAKE SOME NOTES???!!!"

OK. I may need more than 10 minutes with them.

Anyway, so there's my short list. Now it's your turn. Who gets under your skin? Burns your soup? Gets your tighty whities in a wad? Think about it... then imagine 10 minutes of their undivided attention to tell you exactly what you're thinking.

And yes, I know that in real life this of course would be a very immature and self-serving thing to do. And I may very well be one of those people you want to throw under the bus. Either way, I do find that sometimes fantasizing about getting those pent-up feelings off your chest really DOES get them off your chest. Then you can turn off that hot light and leave the room... in peace.


  1. Given the choice of having lunch with ANYONE, living or dead, somebody you know actually chose ELLEN DEGENERES? Seriously?

    Love the blog! Have to think long and hard on the 10 minute many choices!

  2. Loved the blog, good work. The easy ones were "exes", but then I thought what would be the point? They are "exes" for a reason and why dredge up old issues for the sake of revenge. Then I thought with recent events what about some politician, but even they don't get my goat all that much. Still had a hard time coming up with a single person. So it dawns on me, hey this is a good thing. I must not have loads of pent up aggression waiting to be released. So then I thought, how about that random teen that you come across that just has NO clue that there is a universe that exists more than 2 inches from their skin. You know the ones, they text in movies, they cross the street in front of you and won't make eye contact, as if that means if they cannot see you there is no chance you will run them over. So I want one of those clueless, egotistical, arrogant, self-center little SOBS in the chair for me to chew on, for 10 minutes.



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