Thursday, January 27, 2011

To my son: you break my heart

When you think that I love your brother more than you because you require more discipline, I tell you, "You were my first."

You were my first pregnancy, my first born, my first crack at motherhood. The first time I had to care for something completely dependent on me. The first time I had to think of someone other than myself, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The first time-out I administered, the first belly I raspberried, the first diaper changed in the back of a Volvo.

The first kid tearily waved off to kindergarten, the first audience for your Christmas sing, the first refrigerator that displayed your artwork, the first goal I ever stood up and cheered for.

The first "birds and bees" talk I ever had, the first "when I was your age" advice I ever dispensed, the first curfew I ever enforced. The first time I ever felt completely overwhelmed, the first time I didn't have all the answers, the first time my heart was truly broken.

Son: Every day you break my heart.

You had a hard time coming into this world, and it's been an adventure ever since. You walked early, talked early, and reaped the benefits and the disadvantages of being the first child of devoted superparents. The night I finally made you "cry it out" you were nine months old. When you finally stopped, I went in your room and you were on your knees, face smushed against the bars, sound asleep.

Every day you break my heart.

You started kindergarten early, because you were ready. No question you were smart enough. You got straight A's all through elementary school. Socially, you seemed a bit behind; a little more sensitive and less tolerant than the other kids. Yet meet an adult? From a very young age, you would impress everyone by looking them straight in the eye, shaking their hand firmly, and introducing yourself. You hold the door for 10 minutes after church until everyone has gone through. Yet I'm not sure you believe in God.

Every day you break my heart.

I look at your face now, and it is that same baby face I remember from years ago. The freckles you get as summer approaches that make me say, "THERE'S my summer boy!" The blond curls that used to adorn just the top of your head in little ringlets now flow down to your shoulders in an unkempt mop. Adolescent acne spots your porcelain complexion here and there, your voice cracks as your body struggles with puberty, and your mood swings as your mind fights with your hormones.

Every day you break my heart.

Sometimes, if you're not paying attention, I can still stroke your hair and you won't mind. Sometimes, you let me lay down next to you and talk before you drift off to sleep. Sometimes, we laugh at the same jokes or jam out to the same song on the radio. But not often anymore.

Every day you break my heart.

I'm hard on you. I'm hard on you because I need to be. I'm hard on you because I need to be and I love you so much it hurts. And I don't know if you have anyone else that's as hard on you as I am. You need me. You don't think so now, but you do need me. I wish you'd stop fighting me.

Every day you break my heart.

You're making bad choices. If you continue to do so, I won't be able to help you. Please believe me when I say that I know more than you do, and I know where you're headed if you continue. Please trust me when I say that I am your biggest advocate, your biggest fan. Don't push me away.

Every day you break my heart.

I would do anything for you, but I won't do everything for you. All I can do is keep trying, pray, and pray some more. I pray that God will take you under his wing and guide you to make good choices so you can live the life that he put you on this earth to live. Know that it takes very little to make me proud, and a lot to disappoint. Know that I cry for you often, and worry about you constantly.

Every day you break my heart.

But if you grow up to be a kind person, a productive citizen, and a good Christian, every broken piece of my heart... will be worth it.

7 comments:

  1. Simply beautiful. I will keep praying for that sweet boy. =)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Damn. That's good stuff. It made my chest tight and my mouth dry. He's a lucky kid to have a mom like you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This made me want to cry. For both of you. You are an incredibly devoted mom and your son is lucky to have you in his corner. He just doesn't know it yet.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wow Amy, As I wipe the tears from my eyes. What a beautiful message to your son. I will be praying for him & for you and I know one day he will get it.

    ReplyDelete
  5. My heart is broken every day, too. You could have pulled these very words straight from my heart. You wrote so beautifully, I wish they were my words. I will remember you and your son in my prayers. We are sisters in Christ and we are not alone. Jesus loves our sons more than we do and His Plan is the perfect plan! We need to let Him do His work in our sons and trust in Him and thank Him for the work He is doing that we do not even see and pray for Him to work their lives out so that they have a desire for Jesus that they will not deny but will chase after all the days of their lives. Please remember me (KC) and my son (WC) in your prayers also! God bless you!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I have a 39 year old middle child who has broken my heart so many times that I have grown to actually hate him and I do not know what to do about it . I pray for him every every day and I ask the Lord to help me to forgive all the heart aches he has given me but there is nothing I can do . When you reach out the olive branch and they don't want it than stop reaching it and move on because they are . ALL I CAN SAY THEY ARE THE ONES WHO NEED PRAYERS AND YET THEY THINK THEY DO NOTHING WRONG ! SO SAD !

    ReplyDelete

For those of you not commenting directly from a blog, the simplest way to leave a comment is to go to the "Comment as" dropdown menu and select Name/URL. Type in your name and don't worry about the URL.