Monday, October 28, 2013

Bite me, Monday

 I'm not usually one of those sorry individuals who posts those pitiful comics on Monday morning lamenting how awful it is that the dreaded first day of the work week is here and how they wish the weekend was just "one day longer." Nope, not me. Why? Because I know better than to blame the crazy-ass things that happen to me on a case of the Mondays. Because shit happens to me ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME.

Now. Before you think this is going to be another one of those whiny, tear-jerking posts describing how tough life is and how challenging my kids are and how dark and twisty I feel, think again. This time it's going to be different. Because it's going to be FUNNY.

And ya know WHY? Because if I don't start laughing about this shit I'm going to run screaming naked through the streets of this affluent little suburb I mistakenly decided to plant my non-affluent self in. And you know that NOBODY wants to see that.

It started early this morning, being woken to the startling barking of a seal down the hall. But we don't have a seal, and seals can't talk, and this seal said "Ow! Mooooom!" after every bark. One lozenge, two tablespoons of nasty cough medicine (who flavors this shit?) and a 20-minute hunt for the vaporizer that hadn't been used in years and probably did more harm than good and we were back to bed. But not really. 'Cuz this mom's awake. And you know what's on TV at 2 am? Crap. Two hours later, I'm exhausted yet have still managed to purchase P90X, the Magic Bullet and a pair of jeggings.

My 5:30 am wakeup call was met not with my loveable, friendly mutt of a dog licking my face, but with him standing there, looking pitiful. Upon further inspection of said dog, it appeared he was unable to wag his tail. That's right. My dog was wagless. Without wag. His wagger had no swagger. Not only that, he couldn't sit on the damn thing, which I found out after I told him to "sit" and he looked at me like this:

Trying to figure out what to do about a wagless dog, I pressed the button for my coffee and was met with with a pitiful drizzle. The coffee was there, man, it was THERE. I just couldn't GET IT. DAMMIT. Gulping the fourth of a cup I did manage to get to trickle out, I heard the seal move from the bed to the couch and the defiant teenage thing grunt something about waffles. Ignoring him, I ventured outside to walk Wagless the Dog.

He was happy to walk even though he couldn't wag, although peeing was a bit of a problem, what with the whole "I can't lift my tail" issue. And he wasn't sure what to do with his bad-ass self when we encountered this:

This is a great blue heron, right? In the middle of the sidewalk? Really? This has to be a new class of bad luck, like a thousand times worse than a black cat crossing your path. "A black cat is bad, man, but a dead blue heron? That blows."And honestly, it wasn't until this point that I started to think, "WOW. This day MIGHT SUCK." I was greeted by verification of this as I returned home and noticed ALL of my hosta plants sitting in areas where they don't usually sit. Now, I can be thankful hostas can sit, since my dog can't, but I was nonetheless intrigued, and discovered that something had completely uprooted every one of them and tossed them like,well, hostas.

It's probably trolls. With my luck, it's trolls.

Back inside, I pushed defiant teenage thing out the door and waited until he actually got on the bus, it pulled away and gained enough speed so I was sure he wouldn't jump off. I made arrangements for the seal to be tended to and remembered I should probably put on some appropriate clothes for work and maybe do something about my bloodshot eyes. This resulted in me being 45 minutes late for work (if my boss is reading this I totally made this part up just for effect.)

So for the record, that was my first three hours of the day, the rest of which was sprinkled with work, Nerf guns (don't ask,) work, calls to the veterinarian, work, calls to the pediatrician, work, some random tears (because I'm a WOMAN), some replanting of some wilty-looking hostas, a demonstration on how to give a seal an inhaler and some yelling at defiant teenage thing. All while being stared at by Wagless the Dog.

Mondays usually aren't any different than any other day, but this Monday? This one can BITE ME. I'm going to bed. And wait for the seal to bark.


  1. Absolutely loved it! Hope your Tuesday is better. Sleep tight!

  2. Shit! You said, "Shit" in your blog! SEVERAL TIMES!!! This was hilarious, Ames, and I loved reading it! Welcome to the Dark Side.

  3. Hope the week is getting better and wagless dog has his wagger back. I only encountered drooly cat on Monday. I'll consider myself very lucky!


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