That’s what I told my friend the other day. She – knowing me
pretty much better than anyone else – said, “OK, bring it. I’m all ears.”
Apparently I have epiphanies on a regular basis.
Here’s the deal. I have realized that for the most part, I’m
always slightly stressed/worried/upset about something. If it’s not work, it’s
kids. If it’s not kids, it’s family. If it’s not family, it’s relationships. Or
finances. Or my weight. Or any one of a thousand of my own insecurities. Or my
dog. Stupid dog.
Obviously, I’ve never been one of those “not a care in the
world” people who live by the seat of their pants and seem to have a sort of
invisible fence between their brain and these seemingly insignificant issues
that are an integral part of the lives of people like me. I’ve always been envious
of people like that – the ones who don’t seem to worry about if so-and-so is
mad at them, or if they’ve done something inappropriate, or if they haven’t
been as diligent or attentive or whatever it is they are expected to be with
their jobs or their relationships. I don’t think it’s that they are uncaring
people – I just truly believe that their brains are wired differently. Those things that can make or break my day are inconsequential to them. Their
epiphanies probably are more along the lines of finding cures for cancer or
inventing the cotton gin.
But back to my epiphany. Lately, I have found that my stress
triggers have been in the areas that I consider to be a priority; however, that
priority has not been a two-way street. In other words, what is a priority to
me has not necessarily been reciprocal.
For instance, I love my job. I really do. 90 percent of the
time I love what I do for a living and the people I work for and with. After
some pretty crappy past jobs situations and 19 months of unemployment, I
continue to wake up every day thankful that I can get in my car and drive to a
place where I enjoy what I do. But there was a time recently when that 10
percent crept up on me. I think it happens to us all. I felt overwhelmed with
projects that I didn’t think I knew enough about, overwhelmed with the
work/home imbalance, overwhelmed at the fact that I felt I had so much I wanted
to give to this job but it just wasn’t possible and/or there just wasn’t a
place for it. Now I feel this has been somewhat rectified and that I am
in fact as much of an integral part of my company as they are to my
professional life. And that’s a really good thing. Now I feel as if the
priority I give to my job is reciprocated. That’s a great feeling – and it
makes me want to do an even BETTER job. And THAT makes me happy.
My kids are obviously a priority and I love them more than
life itself. But as any working parent knows, and any single parent can relate,
there is a constant sense of guilt for not being there as much as you feel you
should, bewilderment as you enter a new phase of their struggle for growth, and
lack of patience from having the responsibility of them with only
every-other-weekend support from the other parent. And I struggle with my kids
at the ages they’re at in that I feel as if I give to them and a) they take and
want more or b) they don’t want anything to do with me.
It’s tough now, but
what I have to realize is that the Kodak moments you have with your kids when
they’re pre-teen and teenagers are not planned – they are spontaneous. You can
plan a day at the beach - pack your fishing gear, plenty of sunscreen,
sandwiches and lots of snacks – and they can fight all day until you end up
walking away from them and sitting on the damn beach by yourself just to get
some peace and quiet. Or, they can come home from a weekend at their dad's and
decide that they missed you so you at the last minute go and get smoothies for
dinner and recreate the Wayne’s World version of “Bohemian Rhapsody” in the car
on the way home. Unbeknownst to my
children, in that moment they made me a priority, so I damn well made sure they
knew they were mine. But they’re the
exception of sorts to this priority rule since they’re not old enough really
have true priorities other than getting to the next level of Minecraft or seeing who can fart the loudest; however, I think deep down they know that if I weren’t
around they’d be in a world of hurt.
Then there are relationships. The ones that may be important
to you but you take for granted. God’s one of those for sure, though I’ve come
a longer way in the past few years than I have been ever in my life. My
family has always been an overall priority, but it’s easy to assume they’re
always going to be there without any cultivation or legwork. When my mom got
cancer, it was a no-brainer to move her to the forefront of our priority list –
and I think it served as a reminder to the four of us kids that our parents
pretty much deserve to stay up there.
I’ve realized lately that I’ve neglected some of my friendships and that these people not only support me, they’re going through things too. I spent time with three different friends this past weekend and discovered that the admiration I have for them is actually shared in return. WOW. Really? How cool is that? That in itself made me realize there are other relationships in which I put an enormous amount of energy, yet get very little in return simply due to the fact that we do not have parallel priorities.
I’ve realized lately that I’ve neglected some of my friendships and that these people not only support me, they’re going through things too. I spent time with three different friends this past weekend and discovered that the admiration I have for them is actually shared in return. WOW. Really? How cool is that? That in itself made me realize there are other relationships in which I put an enormous amount of energy, yet get very little in return simply due to the fact that we do not have parallel priorities.
That’s really what it’s about, isn’t it? That’s the
epiphany. Parallel priorities. Learning to live your life spending your time
with people important to you who feel you are of equal importance to them. And
learning to let go of those people and things that may seem incredibly important to you, but somehow at the end of the
day, when you are exhausted and stressed out from analyzing why you don’t feel
any sort of fulfillment or satisfaction or peace, you reluctantly realize that you must
move them further down the list – at least more in line to where you are on
their priority grid.
Priorities shift, depending on a bazillion factors. But
overall, your top three to five should be about the same no matter how they may
jockey for position. If you don’t feel
like you share parallel priorities with your top picks, maybe it’s time to
reevaluate them. If you’re giving your job everything you’ve got and it’s
literally sucking the life out of you, it’s time to reevaluate. If you’re
talking about a friend more than you’re
talking to her, or vice-versa, it’s
time to reevaluate. If you can’t stop thinking about a special someone yet
you suspect he’s got someone or something else in the forefront of his brain, it’s time to
reevaluate. That’s my epiphany and I’m sticking to it.
You may now cue the angels with their chorus of Hallelujah. And you’re welcome.